I returned to work today for the first time since my week long adventure in the New World. It was good to see my cup of tea was where I left it.
I'd prepared my verbal travelouge for them all. I was all ready to Michael Palin the shit out of them. I planned to walk through my experience of the Big Apple, dropping in interesting facts and little first-hand cultural observations like, "Aah, yes, the subway. Many tourists fear it, expecting to be mugged, shivved or infected by the locals. None of this happened to me and it was extremely good value for money considering [insert relevant cynicism about the price of British public transport here]. At one point I was screamed at by a herion addict in a lycra jumpsuit for 'holding back the black man', but that was about it. I did apologise."
Then perhaps keep them hooked with a little Ellis Island history, "Do you know they sent back the mentally ill and people who were a bit squiffy-eyed? Fascinating. We got in that museum for only £6 and that included the Statue and the ferry ride! And considering [insert relevant cynicism about how The National Trust screw you the fuck over at every opportunity]." And Central Park! "That gentle, nuturing oasis so captivatingly clinging to nature and calm in the buzzing metropolitian abyss that imprisons it. We spent an afternoon playing chess with the old gents. Thanks to my Brownie Chess Level 3 accolade's I was able to annihilate the competition. Do you know they let you rent the chess sets for free?"
But after I'd dished out my imported, undeclared Oreos and flashed my Empire State Building keyring all I got out was, "Oh my god, right, you won't believe this! They have an M&M World. Yeah, not just a shop, a WORLD. Anything you could ever want with M&M's on it! Like, M&M golf balls! M&M pyjamas! An M&M pillow! And, oh, seriously, they had a wall of M&M's that were all different colours. A WALL, from like, here through to the Special Needs office. Not different flavours mind, just colours. What else did I do? Apart from M&M World? Oh, they have the biggest Toys 'R' Us! I spent two hours in there..."
This is why they don't trust me with the shredder.