Friday, August 24, 2007

Good Morning, How Can I Help?

I have worked for the council for a year now. It took me the first two weeks to completely lose my faith in all humanity. Nothing has happened since to raise the standing but occassionally you get a phone call that at least makes you break a rib with laughter.

Me: Good morning. How can I help?
Man: I've lost my dog.
Me: Sorry, I think you're through to the wrong number. This is the Education department.
Man: But you are the council?
Me: Yes, but we don't handle such....enquiries.
Man: Right. Can you send someone out to find my dog?
Me: Not really...because we're Education.
Man: Do you have a department that can help?
Me: Um...probably's not something the council would usually deal with.
Man: Oh...but it's a spaniel.
Me: How long has the dog been missing?
Man: Half an hour.
Me: Riiiiiight.
Man: Should I ring the police instead?
Me: Yeah, why not.

Turns out I'm not alone in the world...

Recent Complaints Received By The Council

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.


Born Worrier said...

Thats usefull to know, can you do anyhing about the street light that flickers outside my bedroom window. Then there the....hold on I'll go and get a list.

Born Worrier said...

Also can you do anything about my awful spelling on my last comment. Typed far to fast.

jeremy said...

"Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife."

pretty much what every man wants.

Muffy St Jacques said...

Unfortunately I don't work in that department. I'll be making my own education related list soon.

OHara said...

"Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife."

Pretty much what every wife wants... or non-wife for that matter.