Thursday, August 23, 2007

An Open Letter To Love

Dear God/Buddha/Allah/Zeus/Noel Edmonds/Jimmy Saville,

I've been a moderately good girl for the past year so I was thinking, as a reward, you might consider dropping some male-shaped interest into my withering love life. I'm looking for someone aged 24 to 35, 5ft 11+, employed, in the inoffensive to attractive looking range, with his own car who lives in or around the UK or associated islands (not Guernsey).

Yours sincerely,

Muffy


.............................................

Dear Muffy,

Thank you for your letter. I have now processed your request and can offer you the following:




  • A patronising pervert who is old enough to be your dad but still lives with his mother, who as your work superior likes to offload all his assignments onto you and then complains, to you, that he has too much work, whilst complimenting you on your slimness.

  • The 18-year-old photocopier repair boy who thinks his Sat Nav will impress you.

  • The office supplies lesbian that thinks her multi-coloured post-its will impress you.

  • An attractive man who shares your sense of humour, music and film taste and philosophical beliefs, aged 28, 6ft 2, who lives locally and drives an Alfa Romeo . You will start to get quite carried away with him and then you find out, from someone else, he has a wife.
Kind Regards,
God/Buddha/Allah/Zeus/Noel Edmonds/Jimmy Saville


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Dear God/Buddha/Allah/Zeus/Noel Edmonds/Jimmy Saville,

Oh. Can you at least make the rest of August a bit warm and sunny so I can wear my nice skirts in the hope of attracting some better prospects?

Regards,
Muffy


.............................................


Dear Muffy,

No.

Love,
Noel Edmonds.

4 comments:

Born Worrier said...

Looking on the bright side ???. No sorry can't think of a bright side. Welcome to the singletons club, I am club president.

just me said...

i wrote a letter like that to God too. except mine had a few more swears (since i've been single FOREVER)

...i should have known God can outswear anyone.


you should have seen the reply.

OHara said...

Ok. It could be worse. You could have a man, which generally leads to disappointment.
Without one - you can at least live in hope.

Aber Muffy said...

Fair point.