Thursday, August 16, 2007

Ratatouille

My mother is militant. My mother is organised. My mother does not do spontaneous. My mother does not like surprises. My father on the other hand is as whacked as a goose in a tumble dryer. I take after him. So when we are left to our own devices, free from the shackles of my overbearing mother, we go a little "freelance". Last Friday was one such example.

I decided to skive of work because I hate everyone at the moment and Dad was on annual leave. We sat at the kitchen table as I tried to work out how to most productively spend my day whilst Dad fed Sugar Puffs to the kitten. Then I remembered I had free tickets to the FREAKIN' ZOO. Brilliant.

Off we went. Imagine my excitement when upon arriving at the zoo there were notice boards informing us, "There will be a TV crew filming inside the zoo today. We apologise for any inconvenience." Were we going to try and get on TV? Yes. Yes we were. It would be the only reasonable thing to do. Once past the ticket office, where Dad got us into a debacle with a gentleman who seemed far too elderly and confused to be working still when he tried to get me in as a student even though we had free tickets, we stalked off in search of the camera crew.

Thankfully we took a moment to stop and look at some of my favourite animals including the below pictured Monkey Dog and the Goaty-Giraffe-Zebra-Cow (I'm not sure of the actual Latin):

After three tours of the zoo which involved bitching about the new 'Gorillas In The Mist' multi-million pound Monkey House where you couldn't actually see any of the monkeys, laughing at a fat girl that got stuck in Marmot Mania and shitting ourselves in The Twilight Zone when a bat flew between my legs, we eventually spotted the TV crew loitering by the practically disused Aquarium. We didn't recognise the presenter but hell, that wasn't going to stop us.

They seemed to be doing a factual piece on the zoo's popularity so Dad and I decided to play the background roles of 'Satisfied Customer 1' and 'Satisfied Customer 2' with perhaps enough range to move through to 'Mildly Disgruntled Customer Because I Didn't See No Monkey'. We subtlety positioned ourselves on a bench directly behind the main action and got out our pre-packed lunches, because even when your being spontaneous there's no need to get ripped off by Zoo restaurants. Then the following conversation happened in forced whispers:

Dad: Oh god...
Me: What?
Dad: Don't look but there's a giant rat under this bench.
Me: Shut up.
Dad: Seriously, it's the biggest rat I've ever seen.
Me: Shoo it away!
Dad: Shoo it? It's a city rat! They're rock hard.
Me: I see it! It's coming near me; it's coming near me!
Dad: Don't startle it...it might bite.
Me: Oh god, oh god, oh god, it's sniffing ME.
Dad: Don't make a scene!
Me: What do I do?! What do I do?!
Dad: Don't panic until it mounts your foot....

SQUEAL.

Me on bench flapping about like a Martini shaker with a seizure. TV Crew and unidentifible presenter, pissed.

49 comments:

Born Worrier said...

Sounds like you had a good day. Your Dads right, never mess with a city rat. The country ones are quite laid back but the city ones. They are bad news.

I didnt know kittens like Sugar Puffs.

Prophecy Girl said...

What the fuck is that second animal?!? What kind of weird cloning experiments are you doing over in England? Also, you should be responsible for naming all wildlife.

As for the rat story...all I can say is WELL DONE! TV crews should be hassled more often. :D

Anneka's Alias said...

I wanted to be spontaneous tomorrow and go to Drayton Manor. But it's meant to piss down so I'm gonna stay home and drink myself into my 22nd year or existence. And I thought you were gonna use that zoo ticket on me? Although admittedly, your Dad is more of a comedy genius than myself. See, I can be gracious.

Muffy St Jacques said...

Kittens love the puffs! They also like plastic bags.

That second animal is actually an Okapi or Opaki, I forget. But my name is better.

The zoo tickets ran out in October so I had to use them pronto before the rains of Chester started.

Anneka's Alias said...

That's not what an okapi looks like on Zoo Tycoon. Did they lie to us? Is it actually quite difficult to run a successful zoo as well?

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