I decided to skive of work because I hate everyone at the moment and Dad was on annual leave. We sat at the kitchen table as I tried to work out how to most productively spend my day whilst Dad fed Sugar Puffs to the kitten. Then I remembered I had free tickets to the FREAKIN' ZOO. Brilliant.
Off we went. Imagine my excitement when upon arriving at the zoo there were notice boards informing us, "There will be a TV crew filming inside the zoo today. We apologise for any inconvenience." Were we going to try and get on TV? Yes. Yes we were. It would be the only reasonable thing to do. Once past the ticket office, where Dad got us into a debacle with a gentleman who seemed far too elderly and confused to be working still when he tried to get me in as a student even though we had free tickets, we stalked off in search of the camera crew.
Thankfully we took a moment to stop and look at some of my favourite animals including the below pictured Monkey Dog and the Goaty-Giraffe-Zebra-Cow (I'm not sure of the actual Latin):
After three tours of the zoo which involved bitching about the new 'Gorillas In The Mist' multi-million pound Monkey House where you couldn't actually see any of the monkeys, laughing at a fat girl that got stuck in Marmot Mania and shitting ourselves in The Twilight Zone when a bat flew between my legs, we eventually spotted the TV crew loitering by the practically disused Aquarium. We didn't recognise the presenter but hell, that wasn't going to stop us.
They seemed to be doing a factual piece on the zoo's popularity so Dad and I decided to play the background roles of 'Satisfied Customer 1' and 'Satisfied Customer 2' with perhaps enough range to move through to 'Mildly Disgruntled Customer Because I Didn't See No Monkey'. We subtlety positioned ourselves on a bench directly behind the main action and got out our pre-packed lunches, because even when your being spontaneous there's no need to get ripped off by Zoo restaurants. Then the following conversation happened in forced whispers:
Dad: Oh god...
Dad: Don't look but there's a giant rat under this bench.
Me: Shut up.
Dad: Seriously, it's the biggest rat I've ever seen.
Me: Shoo it away!
Dad: Shoo it? It's a city rat! They're rock hard.
Me: I see it! It's coming near me; it's coming near me!
Dad: Don't startle it...it might bite.
Me: Oh god, oh god, oh god, it's sniffing ME.
Dad: Don't make a scene!
Me: What do I do?! What do I do?!
Dad: Don't panic until it mounts your foot....
Me on bench flapping about like a Martini shaker with a seizure. TV Crew and unidentifible presenter, pissed.